Would You Prefer a Beer, a Doughnut or a Shag with that Jab?
Vaccine bribes: The latest gift from our absurd, divisive “leaders”
Vaccine bribes: The latest gift from our absurd, divisive “leaders”
I’ve got some great news to share, everyone. They’ve finally done it. A crew of misanthropic marmots in ill-fitting leotards have been working round the clock to discover THE answer to one question:
“What is the one thing that will make us bug-eyed, big-eared, buck-toothed humans more attractive to each other?”
(yes, those were the adjectives that marmots most regularly used to describe us)
And, after thirteen years, six-hundred-seventy-two days and three sleepless nights of toil in their lab under the tundra of Antarctica, these marmots stumbled upon the answer and announced it to the world.
Are you ready?
Well, sorry, that was a teaser. You’re going to have to either be an honest broker and read this whole article all the way through, or, if you are a lovable loser, swipe to the end for the answer.
I’m telling ya, these misanthropic marmots don’t play around! I’m under strict orders here to follow their instructions. To. A. Tee.
And so I will.
Because while I may not be buck-toothed, my ears are a bit large and my eyes can be a bit buggy, so I want the answer, too! But they’ve yet to tell me.
Read on!
Why Political Satires Are No Longer Necessary
About one year into the Trump presidency, I remember telling a friend that my lifelong dream of writing a Great American novel, a political satire that would neuter the hoity-toity political classes and their media sycophants, well, that dream had been realized. She asked where she could buy it.
“Watch the news,” I said.
Yes, our political reality seemed to have become too absurd to satirize.
And the funny — or is it scary? — thing is, it’s only gotten worse. Or is it better? Depends on whether one is in the mood to cry or laugh about it, I suppose.
The thing is, the silly question I asked in the opening was inspired by a quote (with the answer, I promise) not from misanthropic marmots but from one of our (apparently) fellow humans. In this case, it came from the mouth of Andy Slavitt, representing the White House’s COVID-19 Response Team, and even Dr. Anthony Fauci on a screen behind Slavitt was unable to hold a serious gaze as Slavitt said it. (So yes, I do think they were trying to have a little fun here).
Here is the actual quote: “We have finally found the one thing that makes us more attractive: vaccinations.”
(Oh crap! I’ve just been notified by the Marmot Kingdom that not only have I been canceled for slandering them — they didn’t like the misanthropic adjective — but because I revealed the quote before the end of the article as per my contract with them (which I never signed), I won’t be getting paid! Screw ‘em, the misanthropic bastards!)
The COVID Response Team’s presentation is the latest in a series of attempts by public health officials to convince the vaccine hesitant to “get the jab,” a phrase that, like many of the oft-repeated phrases since the start of the Covid-19 crisis, feels to me like one of those irritating itches in an unreachable place.
Be it free doughnuts, beers or entries into state lotteries, officials have pulled out all the stops in their magic bag of carrots, so why not add sex to the mix? Is that being too crass? Perhaps. I’m well aware that people use dating apps to create lasting relationships but let’s not kid ourselves, they are used for quick rolls in the hay, as well.
Regardless, after a year where people were told they should “shelter in place” and avoid getting closer than six feet to strangers whenever possible, it’s obvious many who have been following these orders will be wanting to re-establish connection so this campaign makes sense. If only …
If only the target audience — those who haven’t been vaccinated — were folks who were following those orders in the first place, right?
Now, I want to write this next part without judgment: I’ve felt from the get-go that people were put into an impossible situation, one where the messaging has been swimming in a sea of confusion, so people did their best to figure out how to respond. In addition — personal disclosure time — I live on the outskirts of a mid-sized city in central Japan and, at the end of March 2020, stopped working full time to focus on a freelance career, working mostly from home, so it was easy for me to just carry on with my life (plus, the government here in Japan didn’t respond with the many rules that governments in the US did).
So no matter if you followed the public health guidelines and kept mostly to yourself or didn’t, I don’t begrudge your decision.
The point is, this campaign is an attempt to convince people who have not been vaccinated to get vaccinated and, well, I think it’s safe to say that many of those folks have still been getting together with others, still hugging their grandparents, still allowing their kids to hold sleepovers.
Again, no judgment on my end. People did what they thought was best and I really don’t think the public officials, especially in the US, have done a good job of messaging.
Thus, this campaign just strikes me as par for the course; another hackneyed attempt to get people onto a train that they just aren’t going to get on.
And last, at the risk of ending on a somber note, much of the reason I am covering this topic is I believe that a lot of what this messaging is doing is dividing us even further. While some of the campaigns, such as this dating app one, seem to be light-hearted (a sweeter carrot in the bag of carrots), others are downright nasty, in my opinion (offering a sweet carrot or a spiked bludgeon). The following photo from the Baltimore City Health Department is a perfect example of this. I’d like to think people can detach themselves a bit from their perspectives and look at this somewhat objectively to see if it comes across as divisive.
Part of what makes this ad feel particularly gross to me is how it uses imagery and language that treats the recipient like children. Living in Japan as I do, I see this sort of media and advertising all the time (this culture has perfected it). Sometimes, it can be appropriate; in this case, it feels very wrong to me.
In an upcoming post, I’ll be writing about how I see this sort of “talking down to” tone as widespread and why it seems to be (mostly) coming from the professional salaried class who now make up the Democratic Party base (and, by the way, in case you may be confused by where I’m coming from, I’ve long identified as on the Left, so my critique is still a Leftist critique, if we have to use those outdated binary terms). Last, the post will address why I feel this tone reflects the culture-wide lack of trust we have in each other.
I don’t want to end on such a potentially divisive, dire note, so instead I’ll direct you to the video clip that inspired this post. It’s from one of my favorite people — comedian Russell Brand — and you can be entertained for 10 minutes as you dig deeper into this topic if you so desire. (And you can see the quote I pulled at 4:45 so you can watch Fauci’s funny reaction for yourself! I’ve been reasonably critical of Fauci from the beginning of the crisis for a variety of reasons but in this case, I had to laugh at his response).
Last, if you feel so called, let me know in the comments if there is something I am missing here (or if you think I freakin’ nailed it, marmots be damned!).
Thanks for reading! If you like my writing, support me by sharing my stuff, connecting with me on Twitter or Facebook, by checking out my podcast, The B&P Realm Podcast, by reading my novel, “The Teacher and the Tree Man” (or by listening to it for free) or by joining my community on Patreon.