On Balancing Connection and Freedom in Our Relationships

An Aries Full Moon/Sun in Libra Morning Pondering

“The best relationships are a balance of connection and freedom.” — Esther Perel

This quote, which appeared on my Insight Timer meditation app this morning, seemed quite timely with the transit of the Full Moon in Aries (opposite the Sun in Libra) culminating in several hours.

In short, Aries represents “I am” and Libra is “we are.” Aries is individuality, Libra is relationships.

There’s a real balance between those things, of course, because no man, woman, or termite is an island. At least, I don’t think termites are islands.

My Parents As a Model of This Balance

For me, when I think of a good relationship, I look no further than my parents. They were successfully married for just shy of 56 years until my dad’s passing in August 2023.

And, I believe, the big reason for that success lies in this quote. Both of them really enjoyed spending time with each other, and both of them allowed the other the freedom to pursue their individual passions.

They were fortunate enough to retire early enough, and financially secure enough, to travel the world in their 50s and 60s, and they have many photos of their good times together.

A standard image I have from my childhood—and even my late 20s when I moved back in with them—is of the two of them sitting in their matching easy chairs watching something on TV in our cozy living room. Now, when I say “watching,” that’s perhaps an abuse of the word; Mom would often be knitting, and Dad would often be dozing. At least, that’s how I remember it.

When we watched movies or TV shows together, Dad had this “annoying” habit of waking up from his slumber and asking the rest of us, “What just happened?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a dozer! In fact, during the baseball season in my late 20s, Dad and I would retire to the family room, put on the Mariners, continue our conversation from dinner, and, usually by the 3rd inning, we’d both be conked out (despite the two cups of coffee we drank at dinner!). Fortunately, with baseball—especially in the pre-pitch-clock era—you can go to sleep at any time and you might not miss any of the action…

Mom didn’t give a hoot about baseball, but she never let her lack of interest stop my Dad (or me) from indulging in his. Over the years, my dad gathered all sorts of baseball collectibles—books, signed pictures, heck, even some silly Russian matryoshka nesting dolls that look like baseball players!—and he gathered so much stuff that the spare bedroom in their current residence has been dubbed, “The Baseball Room.”

Even I thought these dolls were going too far, dad! (Photo: Author)

Recently, Mom and my brother took some of those collectibles with a Mariners focus and put them up in a display in their residence to show community support for the local team. Yet, if you asked her, she still has mixed feelings about the Mariners possibly going to the World Series because she hates the idea that Dad, “the world’s biggest Mariners fan,” isn’t here to see it. Still, she cares enough about her connection to the community she lives in, as well as her connection to my dad even after his passing, that she took the time to put up that display.

When we went to Mariners games in the 1980s, Mom would sometimes come along and spend her time knitting. Often, she would stay behind, though, and allow her husband—and her two children—the freedom to enjoy their hobbies, and she never got upset at us for our indulgences.

Heck, in high school, my dad had the “bright idea” to drive all the way to Oakland for the season opener with me and my brother. I don’t think Mom thought this was one of his better plans, but I also don’t remember her making a stink about it.

Now, if she only knew about the hotel we stayed at in Oakland—we woke up in the wee hours to some sort of loud argument outside our door and Dad told me and my brother just to keep quiet!—well, maybe she would have told my dad he’d gone too far in his pursuits.

But I doubt it. After all, despite her hatred of Los Angeles, she was very supportive of my choice to go there for college. So, I can see how Mom both formed a strong connection with me and allowed me the freedom to be myself. There’s that healthy balance again.

Still, Dad had funny habits and pastimes, and so did Mom, and, for the most part, neither of them became annoyed at each other about them. Instead, they found them amusing and would just rib each other about them.

In short, while they shared a strong connection, they allowed each other to be themselves. More than that, they supported that in the other person.

Think about it: by allowing your partner (or friend) to pursue their passions, this gives you time to pursue yours!

How I’ve Done So Far in This Balancing Act

I write all of this as a middle-aged man who can’t say I’ve had a successful marriage like my parents have, and I believe our lack of finding the balance between connection and freedom is at the heart of it.

As I think about all of this, I recognize that of the two things, I value personal freedom more than I value connection. And I think it’s probably the opposite for my wife.

One could even say this makes sense considering I come from a culture—modern-day America—that values individuality and freedom, and she comes from a culture—modern-day Japan—that values the group and harmony.

As I’ve told her, we knew before we decided to get married that we were attempting a higher level of difficulty because of these cultural differences. So I don’t think either of us should be too hard on ourselves about our marriage not living up to our hopes.

Now, it’s not like I’m at 100 percent freedom, 0 percent connection (or she’s the other way around); it’s more like 60/40. Well, maybe 70/30? I don’t know.

What I do know is that the quickest way to lose me as a friend is to become clingy, to “need” my attention, or to become impatient with me when I’m not living up to that “need.” Codependency is a real drag, in my book.

Before I wrap this up, please understand: I’m not making a case here that my way of relating is correct. In fact, I think I’d say that I “need” to do better in making time for connection, even if that means I lose some time for my freedom. This is especially true if I ever decide to enter a partnership again.

But I will say this: I’ve seen how some people have marriages where they seem to spend all of their time with their partner. To me, this looks like a version of Hell. Even if I really, really like someone, I always, always value—and enjoy—no, I need—my time alone.

Having private time allows me to fully explore the things in life I want to explore, and that includes spending time writing posts like this one. Some of my fondest life memories are of having a full, carefree day by myself. No clock, no person, nothing to tell me what I “must” do. I love that!

Who knows what the world will present? And, if I’ve got some wild plan that suddenly seems kind of pointless, I can “adjust accordingly” and do something else, no need for negotiation! I’m free!

In Conclusion: Connection and Freedom Are Both Important

Ultimately, we humans are social creatures; there’s no denying that.

I was thinking about this last night as I taught one of my online English classes and was having one of my Japanese elementary school students repeat a passage after me to improve her pronunciation. I thought, “How amazing is it that I can say some words and another person can immediately repeat them!” If you’re not a foreign language teacher (or learner), perhaps you’ve never had that thought, but maybe if you’ve parented a child, you have. Our ability to quickly mimic is amazing! And it shows how much we rely on each other for our growth. Without connection, where would we be?

Still, we also desire to figure things out for ourselves. There’s real value in that, and it’s not being a true friend, parent, or partner if we don’t allow that in others. The licks we take from our mistakes when there’s no one to blame but ourselves can be some of our greatest teachers. So can those breakthrough experiences—learning a lick on a guitar, or taking a risk by going to a dingy neighborhood alone and stumbling upon a hidden used bookstore. Such experiences promote self-confidence and our sense of well-being.

How about you?

Where do you see yourself on that spectrum between freedom and connection?

Is there any advice you’d give others—or something you’d like to work on yourself?

You’re welcome to share your thoughts in the comments below—making a connection—or simply take these questions with you and let them roll around in your mind for a while—your kind of freedom. The choice is yours!

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