Am I Too Stupid For You To Trust Me?
A plea for your heart from an unvaxxed, imperfect white guy
A plea for your heart from an unvaxxed, imperfect white guy
“The war between good and evil is in reality an imposition of stupidity and simplicity over wisdom and complexity.” — Tyson Yunkaparta, “Sand Talks”
If I’d left this essay un-edited, I fear my first sentence would have driven away every one of you that I most want to reach.
So instead, I moved the wise words of an indigenous writer to the top of the piece, hoping you might forgive me, a middle-aged heterosexual white male of European descent, a perceived sin of cultural appropriation.
There might be a method to my madness, or there might not, I don’t know. Because as I’m witnessing what’s going on in our species, much as I can churn out words, I’m not sure words are enough to bridge the growing gap between a person like me and a person like you.
I want to believe this isn’t true. I want to believe in you, to believe that you have the humanity within you to not Other me. I want to believe that despite maybe not believing me, you still believe in me.
I so badly want to believe this.
But when I read my Medium feed, when I tune into the stories traditional media outlets are telling about the world, when I listen to what people who, not so long ago, were fellow liberals, are saying about people like me and the people I’m supporting, I don’t know.
It seems that to many, I’m stupid. Uncaring. Uneducated. And so much worse.
Much of this judgment is based upon one action I didn’t take: I never “took the jab” for COVID-19 and, barring some extremely unlikely change in circumstances, I expect this won’t change.
Now, I could write one of my usual 3,000-plus word posts explaining my reasons. I’ve already produced a podcast last September where I go very deep into my understanding of the world and my biography which was my best attempt to explain my reasons. And I didn’t even state all of them.
Would you listen if I tried again? Or is your mind made up: unvaxxed=idiot? Have you already ruled out anything I might say based on that one simple fact? Have you already ruled out the whole of my humanity based on a disagreement you have with me over a medical decision?
Only you know the answers to those questions. If you’re still reading, I think that means you’re at least giving them some consideration and I thank you for that.
Now, as I dealt with all of the various pressures to make the decision most people I know made — “just get the jab already!” — I realized that, in the end, I no longer felt any need to convince others I made the right choice. No, at this point, all I want is for others to not Other me for my decision. To not cast me, and tens of millions around the world like me, into a lower caste through things like vaccine passports and vaccine mandates.
Ultimately, I just want you to still see me — and treat me — as a fellow human.
Can you do that?
These are the sorts of questions and doubts that run through my mind these days when I think about writing a personal blog post. Even though I’m less than a year from 50 and have heard since I was a child, “you are a writer,” the past few years have caused me to doubt the power of the written word, to doubt that words alone can break through the walls we are erecting between us.
I’ve put more of my faith into my voice, creating podcasts for the past two years, thinking that we can feel a person’s spirit more easily when we hear the sound of their voice.
Still, I’m doubting. I’m doubting that you can see me as human, as just another person who’s trying to make the best decision possible in a world that is, by most appearances, pretty hard to make sense of.
So, before I go on, I’ll ask again, but in another way: Will you give me the benefit of the doubt? Can you open your heart and at least read this blog post before you judge me? Or have you already done that?
If it’s the latter, there’s no need to read on; for whatever reason, you’ve made up your mind about me even though you know next to nothing about me. So I wish you well and hope that maybe down the line you’ll give me a chance.
And in the meantime, I pray that you won’t declare war on me. I’ve got no war with you, for what it’s worth; I won’t be using my blog or my podcast to rally people on “my side” of this issue to take up arms against “your side.” I see this war as a false one, one that’s, for the most part, been imposed on us, a classic divide-and-conquer tactic to take our attention away from the crumbling ineptitude of our societal structures and those who inhabit them. I’d rather write about that topic and what we can do about it, perhaps, together.
However, for those of you who are willing to stick around, to hear me out, to read my posts from time to time even if you disagree with me, well, thank you. Thank you for giving me an ear, despite any reservations you may have. Now, next time I write, I’ll do my best to make it worth your while.
Thanks for reading! If you like my writing, support me by sharing my stuff, buying me a coffee, connecting with me on Twitter or Facebook, by checking out my podcast, The B&P Realm Podcast, by reading my novel, “The Teacher and the Tree Man” (or by listening to it for free) or by joining my community on Patreon.